ergo proxy

Caro m’ è ‘l sonno, e più l’esser di sasso, .
Mentre che ‘l danno e la vergogna dura:
Non veder, non sentir, m’ è gran ventura;
Però non mi destar, deh! parla basso

Welcome is sleep, more welcome the sleep of stone
Whilst crime and shame continue in the land;
My happy fortune, not to see or hear;
Waken me not – in mercy, whisper low.

-Michelangelo Buonarotti

Q is my name. My real name. That is who I am. Or is it?

I don’t feel that at all though. Q is definitely not me. He is who others think of me. The me in other people. Other friends. There is a good Q, a bad Q, a rebellious Q, a sociopath Q. That’s what a friend called me today. A sociopath.

But Q is not the real me. I don’t think he exists at all, except in other people’s minds. I’m more Aristocrat than Q. At least that’s what I think. Don’t trust me on that though. I cannot be trusted. Not after I drove away 5. 5 is someone who I’m in love with or at least I was in love with. After 5 dealt me a set of bad cards one and a half years ago, that love shattered. To a million pieces.

And I tried to mend it, to piece them back together. Still I could see things slipping through those cracks. Those black stuff, horrid greasy oily black stuff. Or was I deceiving myself all the time? Did I really love? Who did she love anyway? Q? Or Aristocrat? Or was it some Ideal that she strived for, that she tried to look within Q/Aristocrat? If that’s so, perhaps I should tell her its a futile search. There’s no perfection in me. Only despair, darkness and burning hell.

What is love anyway, I have come to ask. What kind of concept is love? Something to bind you to another? The Other that fulfils, that reinstates the existence of the Self? Your Self? I do not even have a Self to begin with so can I say that I have loved? And I have searched. There is no true love. No unconditional love. Universal love is unconditional. But if you are looking for romance, to the books you go!a

My Self is nothing but pieces of other people’s images of me. Conflicting images. And within me, it all comes together.

Piece them together.

Like a jigsaw puzzle gone wrong though. I can tell you all the pieces don’t fit. I have tried hard enough. 5 has her own difficulties. She’s just looking for true love. But I can’t even tell myself what love is so how can I love? Do I bind her to me? Is love purely sexual? Or what? Transcendental love? I’ll love everyone equally then.

Sometimes I admire people who knows what they want. Like Skye for instance. At least she follows her desires.

Me? I don’t even know what I desire. Money is no longer important. Materialistic needs are not too. No more cravings for these kinds of needs. I don’t need to be like everyone else, dead and zombie-like on the train. Standing at the same spot, day after day, slogging away for?

Laughing and smiling with their friends. Joking. Happy. Only for that period. Temporal happiness. For?

Eating. Enjoying food. Having a car. Having someone to love. A family to return to. For?

What are all these for? What is my purpose of survival?

Don’t tell me about God. Turn to God for an easier life. He explains everything. Everything is set in life. Are you sure God is here?

Remove God from your existence. There is no God. God is dead. Buddha is only a way of life. Then? Tell me again how you will live. According to your rules, not God’s.

Transcendence. Perhaps that’s what I seek.

Death, a welcome embrace.

Perhaps Aristocrat is truly who I am.

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10 thoughts on “ergo proxy

  1. I believe that there are 3 aspects of self – others’ perception of you, your perception of yourself, and your own action.
    At least for myself, perceptions are important during the teens and 20s, but I am slowly more concerned with my actions – my family depends on me nowadays.
    Perhaps one day you will not care if you are Aristocrat.
    And don’t underestimate Jesus’ or Buddha’s way of life. There is wisdom in things that get filtered and modified through the thousands of years, through the thousands of great minds.
    Anyway, I do like the 1st half of your post.

  2. *laughs* Maybe I follow my desires not because I know what I want in life, but because I have no idea what I want in life.

    So the easiest way out is to just do what I feel like doing. =)

  3. Chaosm: I believe the three aspects that you have mentioned are intertwined so tightly that perhaps it’s difficult to separate them. But granted, I do respect your own opinions and your beliefs as well. I’m not underestimating religion. Religion, by and large, itself is contestable. True, we can attribute everything to faith. And of course their ways of life are respectable, there’s no doubt about that. However, is religion an easy way to deny responsibility? An easy way out? The opiate of the masses, so as to speak. One cannot deny that religion is increasingly being used in such a way that the masses are often manipulated without their knowledge. But then my point is, it’s easy to lay all the responsibility on whichever God you believe in and just continue on with your existence.

    Skye: The first point notwithstanding, it still takes courage to do whatever you feel like doing. =]

  4. Beautiful, which reminds me of…

    “All the world’s a stage,
    And all the men and women merely players.
    They have their exits and their entrances;”

    As You Like It, Shakespeare

    “We are such stuff
    As dreams are made on; and our little life
    Is rounded with a sleep.”

    The Tempest, Shakespeare

  5. “We are everything and nothing.”
    A paradox.
    That’s what we are.
    A paradox.
    That’s because life is supposed to be a paradox.
    Life ISN’T supposed to make sense.
    Sounds scary but I guess it’s true.

  6. It is my fault not explaining myself clearly. And I apologise if I do sound like a brute. Hah, in fact, I too don’t accept the idea of an all-powerful and sentient god. It is my belief that gods are created in the likeliness of humans. I think you may get a sense of where I’m trying to head with my recent posts.
    I should have stated that I meant religion (the few major ones) not just as a matter of faith, but as a giant concept and as a culture. I shall write mainly of Christianity here because I think that is your point of reference.
    The beauty of Christianity is faith. It’s easy to understand, making it highly accessible to the common people. And you can’t dispute faith. So, if you are feeling helpless (which is a terrible terrible feeling), and you are unable to jump out of it through any amount of reasoning and rationalization, only the force of faith in a higher power can restore the peace in your heart. And since you can’t dispute faith, the peace in the heart can be self-sustaining.
    Of course, the concept of salvation further strengthens the appeal to common people.
    As you’ve mentioned, blind faith can be easily manipulated. That is where the prescribed code of behaviour as depicted through Jesus’ and several other saints’ lives come in. There is great wisdom in their way of life and the things they say that enable Christianity to penetrate not just the common people, but also the intellectuals and the romantics, such that cultures and civilizations can almost be built around it. All the art works, all the literature.
    I may not subscribe to Christianity, but I always believe that all things unorthodox and selfish that don’t follow the flow of nature don’t last the centuries. If you are talking about the manipulation of religions nowadays, it may be less an actual problem of religion itself than capitalism and politics. I won’t digress to my criticism of capitalism here, but it won’t last the centuries in its present form.
    Well, if you are one who do not opt for the ‘easy’ way out because you think that it is not a ‘genuine’ way out, there’s always the Zen branch of Buddhism.
    Haha. Think I’ll stop here for today. I can’t concentrate and type while carrying my baby on my laps.

  7. We are everything and anything we say. Nothing but truth comes from the self. Shall we claim despair or adventure? It is not the material or the sensual that brings joy. Such sources are precarious. It’s the mind that we have to play with. Being in the space of an emotion and being able to choose from an emotional vocabulary that works for one and not against one is a game that makes life worthy. Food for thought.

    JNET 🙂

  8. Hello Chaosm. Sorry for the long delay between replies. I must admit, you do have a point there. Very interesting. However what I would like to find out is whether can we live our lives without religion and still find meaning in it? If we take God (a Godhead in general) to be an abstract entity, are we able to understand the purposes in life? I fear that this has been the argument for a long long time even as Greek tragedy highlights the power of Man and at the same time debunk that very power as useless in the face of these abstract entities. And interesting that you should suggest Zen Buddhism too, I was thinking of reading it ha.

    Hi J. We are everything and anything we say huh. So if I say I’m a dog, does that make me a dog when people around me still see me as a human? If I think and act like a dog am I then a dog? What emerges from the Self are but memories and memories are nothing more than subjective records of events.

    Despair or adventure? Perhaps life is both despairing and adventurous. But I do agree that it is the mind that brings joy. =]

  9. I believe that it is possible to make our own meaning in our own lives, but it would be rather difficult for many of us, being well-read and cynical of things.
    I used to be quite a passive rebel. Until I got married, and have a kid. Much as I found it mundane, I realised that part of the reason for my life is to make my wife and baby very happy. I guess this is just about as noble as loving God? Haha.
    I am not too sure about the Greek tragedy part (not very well-versed with it), so I can’t make any comment there.
    As to Zen Buddhism, I would love to hear what you think about it after you’ve read up on some.

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