swirlsinkslitherslip

Today, no these few weeks, I find myself unravelling at the seams again.

Everything is coming apart.

No matter how hard I try to hold it, it seems as if what I am holding is just sand, miniscule particles of sand that slips through one’s fingers no matter how tightly closed I hold them. Slipping through senselessly, like an insidious snake slithering. It makes me almost want to recoil from it. Who knows the danger I am putting myself in by holding a snake in the hand? Is it poisonous? I’m not an authority on snakes.

More… Slipping into darkness…that’s what it feels like. Into obscurity, where no one will remember you for who you are, for who you were or for who you are going to be. The past, the present and the future, all erased just like that. Just by things coming apart.

Slipping into mediocrity, mediocre because one does not hold to the common yardstick. People uses the metric system. I use none. And therefore I am a failure. Just because I don’t adhere to your system of logic that makes me a failure? Just because I don’t excel in your system doesn’t mean I do not excel in my universe.

Slipping into darkness…and I rant senselessly, without knowing who I am or where am I. Am I still narrating down this passage or I’m now talking to someone who is listening, who actually listens to me. And who understands. There is a sense of hopelessness as the feeling of falling overtakes me, that the light I once thought was there had disappeared. Is the light ever there at all? Or am I imagining things again? Trying to be a good person to myself and to imagine a light there so that I could hope my way out of it. It is impossible to figure it out. The light is nice and comfy but as I get closer, I can feel the heat coming from it. Now that is weird. Aren’t I imagining the light? Am I now imagining the heat as well? It’s amazing how creative the mind can be sometimes…Next I’ll be imagining I am dead.

It’s weird how lovely the feeling of darkness is. It smells cold yes but there is this odd familiarity to it, this deja vu. It’s like presque vu…There’s no mot juste for it…

And there I go, sinking deeper and deeper. And M tells me that it is only within me to pull myself out. How helpful is that?


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22 thoughts on “swirlsinkslitherslip

  1. My thoughts exactly. That’s echoed by M as well.

    But when you tell a drowning man, “Hey fella, I’m sorry but the help you are looking for is lying within yourself. Look inside you,” it’s not gonna help much. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. Kinda depends on if the person is really drowning or metaphoricly drowning.

    If they are really drowning you can toss a life raft or jump in and help them(assuming you can swim).However, if the are metaphoricly drowning the my previous answer applies.

    Life gives each of us tests and if someone else gives us the answers it is like cheating.There is nothing learned from that.:)

    AXE

  3. U just need a lill more time. It’s a phase. When it cant get any darker, it’s get relative brighter. And yes I do enjoy the feeling of being in darkness. The indulgence….

  4. Axe: I think I just clashed into a wall with your answers. What if the person cannot find it within himself or herself? Or she realises that there are no answers to be found?

    Melis: Thanks for dropping by =) I see that the passage encapsulates your feelings as well. Have you moved out of your darkness yet? With all your friends around you 24hours a day 7 days a week, I’m sure you are pretty much distracted in a good way…

    P.S: Look at the categories my dear readers. It’s under Prose/Almost Daily Ramblings. Which one category does it belong to? One does not care to know =) Have a happy weekend to all…

  5. I have found that there is often a answer but it is not always the answer we want or are searching for.

    If it perfectly normal to have feelings of doubt, anger, bitterness or even to feel as though we are going insane. Realistically, this is a insane world Sometimes the insanity sinks in and temporarily finds a place within us.

    Of course I speak from my perspective and that is like asking a madman if he is sane, All good things come with time. It is the wading through the mud that takes the longest and that leads us back,sometimes briefly, to lucidity.

    As for catagories,it is both.:) Have a great weekend yourself,my friend.

    AXE

  6. M may be right but let me also say it doesn’t apply to all. pulling oneself out may be too much a long process, if not impossible, if there is no rope to hang on to. so first have a rope and hang to it, trust it enough to feel you can, not only grip, but crawl upward, pull upward. and in this process, don’t get blinded by the light. close your eyes as you move, think that the heat will not burn you but keep you from falling deeper into the cold.

    have a nice weekend!

  7. Just because I donโ€™t excel in your system doesnโ€™t mean I do not excel in my universe.” – now that’s a start. someday, i may borrow that quote from you.. (of course i would credit you) 8)

  8. Apologies my dear friend. No time for creativity (or if I can call it that at all). I’m swamped by deadlines everywhere, ahh the perils of being a student. Essays and essays everywhere. What is a feminist text? Examine for a while an ordinary mind on an ordinary day. The list goes on…Hence the disappearance from weblogs. I couldn’t afford to read them if I want to finish my reading list as well. >.

  9. i truly understand how it feels.as u have taken your little verse out of the bible,why dun you pray about it and ask him why? -_-

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