The moment I stepped out of the train, I could imagine the smell hitting my senses again, the noxious yet familiar smell that was signature to this area. I have never figured out the origins of the smell, something that borders along the line of coffee with hot chocolate, yet it was too sharp to be so.
But apparently, the smell was now gone. Replaced by something else, something foreign. Maybe because I have been away from too long. It has been more than a year since I have travelled to this part of the country. This part dictated an hour’s travelling time, and in this age of instant gratification, Time was too precious to spend an hour travelling.
And here I am. For no apparent reason at all. Actually there was. A very good one actually. I’m in pursuit of something. And it brought me right here. As I walked through the dark pathways, an unrelenting torrent of memories came pouring and I was caught unaware. It was as though my defences had been breached; that someone had actually managed to reach the me that was hidden.
I thought of the Saturdays and the Sundays that were spent here. The ones with my buddies. And the ones with her. I walked through the shopping centre, and everywhere I went, I was reminded of her. I could almost see her shadow beside me, talking and laughing as if nothing happened. How insane it seems, to dream of her now when I thought I had already put the dreadful past behind me. It was still too painful thinking about it. Let me just correct that. It will never be not painful thinking about it.
As I made one round and walked past the bus interchange, I could still picture myself standing in the midst of the hustling crowd, a lone figure amidst the multitude of figures, waiting for her to arrive. The love of my life. I am still waiting for her. Nothing has changed. But Fate decreed it be so that she will leave me, stolen from me, taken off the face of this earth.
On that fateful day, she just had to meet me. Said it was urgent.
Was it? Now I wished it wasn’t that urgent.
Or else all would have never happened.
And I wouldn’t be all alone.
On this earth. Facing this, all by myself.
While you look upon me, your graceful figure in the heavens.
It must have been a joke. Someone’s cruel joke.
But it was true, and there was no denying it.
4.30 am. For no reason at all, I’m feeling giddy. Was it the lack of sleep? I suppose not. This is just like any other day. Then why am I feeling giddy? I couldn’t even finish today’s entry.
The solitude is even more heightened now, like a sharp knife slicing into the depths of my heart, seeing how far it can go. Even when I’m surrounded by friends, I still feel alone. Cold and alone. Maybe it was the memories. The resurfacing of them, those terrible nightmares that I still have, even now. They still wouldn’t let me go, would they? Not until they drive me to my watery grave.
Or will 16 floors do? I’m on the highest floor now and the view here is terrific. The glistening lights of the port in the distance, even at 5am. It shows how busy we are. The city that never sleeps. Or perhaps, some of them.
Plummeting 16 floors down has got to be a real challenge. It’s almost like freefall, but more exciting. For it will be the last thing that you ever do. And it ends real fast too. I can’t say much about the pain though.
Now I’m on the rooftop. Surprisingly, it’s very breezy here. And you can even see farther. It’s like you are looking down at this small part of the world, this tiny red dot.
One step closer.
The mechanical cranes in the distance looks foreboding. Like hands that rise out of the ground, searching for something. Grasping for something in the air. Straws?
Can you hear the singing? Someone’s playing Sarah Brightman’s Ave Maria. I love her song and how her voice hits the high notes. Wonderfully soothing. I wonder if it’s playing for me. And her of course. I will never forget her.
The last step.
The finality of things. One step closer towards her. And one step away from this dreadful world that holds nothing more for me. Everything is already up there. I’m coming.
Wait for me.