To Be

Suddenly, in the middle of the night, I realized why I was an insomniac. All along, whenever I lie down in my bed, my thoughts would tend to wander to the mystical farplanes of beyond. They would wander anywhere, do whatever they want to, all except sleep. Instead of falling asleep then, my mind would be the most active at that point in time. Perhaps that is why I love the night…

That point of time would almost be the time where I derive my most inspiration from. For the most pregnant material comes from such moments, where the “it suddenly dawns upon you,” so as to use this cliche in its most appropriate way. Sometimes, I would be too lazy to haul the big ass of mine out of bed and to jot down whatever I was thinking. Sometimes I would be just too comfortable.

But today was not one of those days.

Today, I felt like jotting down whatever I was thinking, though it may not be much. Today, I felt like I had been enlightened, like I had passed a certain crossroad in my life. For a lot of events had came back to haunt me, things which I was sure I had buried along with my past. Those events which I care not to even remember.

But certain present events had caused me to reminisce. Is this the correct use of the verb? I have no idea. No matter.

Anyway, a long long time ago, I was told by someone that I was that someone’s retribution for all the things done in the past. I didn’t think the retribution would come to pass, but it did.

I did things that were incomprehensible to me. Actions which seemed right in the past, but now, in all its entirety, seemed unbecoming of a gentleman. Actions that I regret now.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not regret what was the end result, but I just wished that I could have done better. I knew that things wouldn’t work out anyway, but I just wished that I could have seen it better at that point of time. There were so many things that I wished, so many things that I regretted doing. Perhaps I was a hypocrite. Am I one? I can’t judge. I no longer wish to judge people, for I am not that angelic. A sinner I am.

The past is one thing that I could have wished I had done better. But people can’t live in the past. And here I am in the present, hoping for the future.

The present doesn’t look too rosy either. There is simply no clear directions to anything at all and I am afraid I would have to wander around the wilderness for a while more longer. A while in whose perspective, I wonder? Surely not mine…

The present was a gift and perhaps my retribution as well. But with regards to it, I have to say that I have never regret anything at all. None whatsoever. However it turns out, I would accept it, though I wish for a positive response.

For I have already experienced the best things in life.

To be loved.

And to love.

I cannot ask for more.

Yours truly

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